Why am I like this?

As we have said before this is our journal-per say. Quit reading if you'd like. It's going to be a lot of random thoughts and will probably only make sense to Cheeto and myself. It's boring and just me venting in hopes that once I'm done I will feel better. :)
A number of our friends this week are having, have had, or just letting us know they are having a baby. For some strange reason, this has got my emotions on the edge of tears. I was doing really well until our friends went into labor and we were asked to watch their little boy. We were more than happy to help. I offered to take him to the hospital so daddy could stay with mommy and baby. Still, I was doing ok. Walking into the hospital brought a little wave of emotions but I was excited to see their new addition that I was still alright. However, leaving the hospital and having to walk past the nursery was almost more than I could handle. I started texted Cheeto hoping I could keep it together. NOPE! I lost it. I know I get more emotional than most women but this was more than just shedding a few tears. I felt a heaviness in my chest and just couldn't keep it together. The thoughts of never having that wonderful moment of being handed another newborn of "ours' was tough. I cried all the way home with A2- I thought that would be it. Obviously it wasn't! My first thought was, "Man, did I make a mistake on making "things" permnant? Did I misinterpret the answer to my prayers for selfish reasons?" I answered both my thoughts almost as soon as I had them. I KNOW I physically couldn't! We are maxed with 4! My brain knows that- why doesn't someone tell my heart? Is this what I'm going to feel like everytime someone we know has a baby? If it is, WOW- I believe I'm just messed up! I felt so silly! I still do.
I believe we are at a point in our marriage that things are really starting to transition to the next steps. We are never going to start over with newborns. We are having a lot of last firsts. The time just keeps going by faster and faster everyday. I'm trying desperately to hold onto each moment! I've started to give all our little boy and little girl clothes away knowing I have no reason to hold onto them anymore. I'm trying to get my business going thinking in a few short years, when all the kids are in school I will have more time during the day to focus on it. Cheeto's job is more stressful and changing every day. I have a fourth grader for crying out loud. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?! (I know some of you will say, well, I have one getting married, my kids are having kids, one in college, high school and so on. But to me- a little 4th grader makes me feel old!) The past few days have been rough- but also have made me so grateful for everything I have been blessed with. I have 4 great, healthy, adorable kids that brighten and make each day interesting. They give me a reason to get out of bed each morning. I have a fabulous husband, whom I adore! He is my rock! My knight in shining armor! :) Without any othe them, life would just be boring! Come on Shena, life goes on! It's time to move with it! Right?